Gentle Parenting
She coached me.
“To enter into a state of pure connection with your child, you can achieve this by setting aside any sense of superiority.”
“Uh-uh. Don’t say that.”
I took a deep breath as I quickly shifted my approach. “Please be honest with me. You are not in trouble. Did you pee on yourself?”
My tone of voice changed even as I observed the miniature pool of urine on my living room floor.
His body language changed with my tone of voice as he finally nodded affirming what I already knew to be true.
“Tell him that accidents happen,” she continued to speak into my consciousness.
“Accidents happen Poppa. It’s ok. Let me clean you up.”
“I just had an accident mommy but accidents happen,” his tiny shoulders reached his ears as he shrugged it off in relief.
Daily,
I stand behind the veil. One side of that veil is the pre-mommy version of me and opposite that is my reality; how I currently show up as a mom. I’m certain that they are two starkly different realities and dispositions.
“My kid would never!”
“Oh no! He’ll KNOW better!”
“He’ll know that his mom ain’t having…”
“He’s going to do what I said, because I said so.”
So many theoretical phrases exist on that side of the veil. To think, I really presumed I’d be THAT mom, you know the kind whose child is afraid of her? Yeah, the one who just knew they could never pull a wool over their parent’s eyes.
It’s interesting being on this side of the veil; the side that has to hear “mommy I didn’t like it when you talked to me rough” and has to decide on what to do with that information. I’m on the side of the veil where we apologize for making our children feel invalidated. I’m on the side where I question whether or not I’m getting it right; the side where I ask for honesty over simply saying something that will appeal to mommy. This is the side where I have to check myself every day as I remain in a constant state of awareness that my words and actions will leave a lasting impact on my child.
My “gentle” approach at parenting is a summative act as a result of how I was parented (and still am to some degree), coupled with my vast experiences as an elementary educator and my vision for who I want my son to ultimately become.
I will be the first to tell you that I have an intellectual and outspoken three-nager who is unashamedly opinionated and extraordinarily strong willed. In short, with all of his offerings, parenting my kid is no easy feat! Conversations and debates that I have with my son aren’t at all what I imagined to experience at this juncture of my parenting journey, yet, they serve as a series of teachable moments. Here are some questions I’ve had to ask myself along the way:
What kind of person do you want him to become?
What kind of man do you want him to become?
What traits of yours (and his father’s) are good enough for him to take on and embody in a way that is unique to him?
Which traits are absolutely off of the table?
How are you steering that?
How are you ensuring that the people who encamp around you are watering that which you have planted?
What experiences are you providing that contribute to that?
Now, in all fairness, I do not ask these questions of myself with such language, as they just come …in whatever form at any given moment, yet, I am aware that they have to continually play in the background or forefront of my mind regularly. More specifically, I’m aware that me seeking to shut him up because I don’t agree with something he says is unhealthy. Getting loud with him to be able to exert my authority over him says more about my deficiencies than it says about how well I can manage the behavior of my child. I talk to him about things that are bothering me in a way that I would hope he’d talk to me. I respect his feelings and validate him when he’s sad, angry and somewhere in between. I answer his million and one “why” questions. I apologize, often. I actively teach him to show compassion and empathy. Even when he does not understand everything, I still do it. I keep at it. I persist in the depositing of good because I know that it will return back to me.
Lastly, I’ve unattached myself from what others believe I should be doing. The “right” way looks different from person to person and in spite of people trying to overburden me with their perceptions of what I need to be doing as I parent my son, I remain rooted it what resonates well with my soul.
So, as I prepare to close out the conversation with her, I’m sure to simply offer her a “thank you,” although I do not think that is enough to express my gratitude. Our evening could have played out a little differently and my reaction to an unfavorable situation could have resulted in a tug of war.
Much Love,
Cadacia
