Unapologetic

I looked over in disbelief. His limp body laid parallel to mine in a clear encasing. Weird. That’s the most descriptive I can get as it relates to how I felt about that initial experience. Was he really mine? Did I really just do this? I pushed out a human being. I gave life. Three hundred ninety one days later I still struggle to process that. On that first day; within those first few moments, however, I also remember feeling a disconnect and feeling guilt for it. 

My reality did not align with my expectation. I expected to fall in love at first sight... just as the blogs had said. I thought all of the love and adoration would be instant. Maybe when they slapped him on my chest and we got skin to skin, it would happen...nope. Maybe after staring at him for a while longer while he slept... still no. Maybe I just needed it to marinate over a couple of days or even weeks. I really can’t tell you of that defining moment when it clicked and just happened for me. I can tell you that today as I stared at him guzzling down his milk while comfortably reclined in his black leather baby recliner, I was certain of my adoration and love for him. 

Somewhere between September 22, 2019 and October 22, 2020 it happened. The motherly instinct kicked in. I fell in love and leaped into the role of protector and provider for my baby. I transitioned into the irrational mom who hovers when someone isn’t doing something the way that I would. I’m a work in progress and acknowledge that I can be a little crazy about my baby at times, but I also acknowledged how much things have changed. It’s all instinct and it’s indescribable and it’s one of those things that I will ever be unapologetic about.