Mommy Guilt

I was warned about that thing.

You are mom enough.”

I was told not to feel guilty when I needed and took a break. Easier said than done.

After fumbling with the keys and finally pushing the door open, I walked inside. Quickly flipped the light switch. Momaroo planted in the middle of the ceramic tiles that covered the living room floor. Blanket filled bassinet off to the side. Changing table neatly tucked away in the corner with that one wipe standing erect out of the lit green and white dispenser. I took a seat beside the stacked boppies. A really weird feeling engulfed me as I sat on silence in my, once bachelorette apartment. “I miss my baby” is all I could think about in my first few moments of kid-free-dom. “I miss my baby.”

I had plans for a date night, sleep, home cleaning, sleep, A MANICURE, sleep, grocery shopping, sleep and a gym session. None of those things seemed nearly as important anymore as I could only think about what I’d be doing had he filled that empty space in that boppy.

I picked up the phone. “Your baby is fine,” I was reassured by the loving voice on the other end. “Would you like to talk to him?” Just as quickly as I agreed, I mentally retracted, wondering how much conversation I’d get out of a two month old. My delusional self persisted anyway. “Hi baby! I miss you!! I hope you’re having a good time papa!” One would’ve thought I was getting a response. When I realized, there was no response and there wouldn’t be one, I decided to wrap up my phone call and make it through my next child-free 24 hours.

Although that was much needed and well deserved, I still felt a sense of guilt. I still felt the need to check on him. I still felt like maybe I shouldn’t have let him be away from me for so long. After all, I made the decision to have him, making him MY responsibility at all times. Even as I type this, I realize how unhealthy of a mindset that can be. I’ve gotten so consumed with momming that I put my human needs and instincts to the side. I write this as a note to self to remind me that breaks (from anything) are healthy. I also write this as an encouragement to other moms or moms-to-be. It is ok to take a break. It is ok to do something for YOU. You’ll be a better person and mom because of it.