Mom Guilt 2.0
It’s really interesting how mom guilt seems to grow. . .
“Motherhood is a choice you make every day to put someone else’s happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you’re not sure what the right thing is,.. and to forgive yourself over and over again for doing everything wrong.”
… & evolve just as the child does.
I could easily title this chapter of my life “Becoming.” I have written often about getting back to who I was pre-baby and marrying her to “Cadacia the Mom,” yet, my idea of who this person is and desires to be consistently changes. As I continue to grow and settle into this woman who I’m becoming, my main area of focus is my child and showing up as my best self because he deserves nothing less than that.
Guilt tripping myself has largely been about the time that I spend with my son. These parenting years have already flown by and I know that it’s only going to continue to accelerate. With that, I have a deep desire to max out on, both, quality and quantity time spent with my baby. I never want him to look back over his life and be able to say “my mom never spent time with me” or “we were always in the house.” With that, I’m always hyper aware of planning my days, from morning til night, with him. I consider the amount of screen time he and I both indulge in and feel guilt for those moments. Dare I ask someone to watch him for something that I need or want to do? That mentally puts me in a space of feeling inadequate, recounting the monologue in my mind: “He didn’t ask to be here. You owe him your presence!” I mean, really, who knew that momming would play into your (my) psyche so much? Funny thing is, no one really cares. Family members still petition me to watch him. They would much rather me go and get my nails done or stay at work a little later so that they have their opportunity to max out on time with him.
My current goal is to replace mom guilt with acceptance. I need to accept things for the way they are. My child loves me and loves spending time with me, whether we are out at an amusement park, practicing bike riding in the yard or singing songs over dinner together. In the same vane, he enjoys time spent with everyone else who isn’t mommy but has made him feel safe. I have yet to arrive but I am in the stage of acknowledgment. That has to count for something… right?
